i don't know wot to do...should i talk to her...but if i do will it cause me more pain when she doesn't talk back...all this time i have waited...she made it clear that i had hurt her...but what more can i do...i need her all the same...
She says shes been leaving me messages but i have checked everything!!!! EVERYTHING! that she could have possibly used to saty in contact but there is nothing...and yet she carries on her life as if i was never in it...yet anyone who knows me personally will know about this girl...because i love her...
Monday, 12 July 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Story: What heaven feels like
My sister is having to write a story for her coursework about going to heaven. As soon as she told me i have been having images and sentences rush through my head and immediately i thought of blogging it! This is going to be free hand to excuse any mis spellings or bad sentence structure!
The relief when my sister was given the all clear and her release from hospital, after the long days battling meninjitis. Sitting in the living room watching television, just sitting together holding eachother. The feeling of grief when we got the call, and grandad was gone, though some relief because he no longer had to suffer. A sadder memory I know, but one that was significant to the change that was to take place less than a month after.
Confusion. My mom leaving. Watching my dad waste away to nothing. The pain of having him cry in my arms.
Then, unbelievable curiosity and sense of adventure as I watched the cotton-candy clouds glide beneath me, and the blinding sun burning my eyes as I woke up from my few hours of rest. The face of someone I barely knew, but the fun and laughter and contentment he brought to my mother washed all feelings of anger and resentment away. Then to find I loved him too. Bruce brought us so much happiness. He brought to me a second family I could love just as much.
The clear blue water, my friends and I running around like busy bee's; the scorching sun, the soft grainy white sand, the feel of Elicias hand in mine. The easy relationship and laughter made it feel as though I had known this girl my whole life.
Going back home. My dad's wide grin, glowing. The impatience to meet the person I had been dieing to see. Whom I had missed so much without ever really knowing him. My newphew. his tiny hand and his amazing blue eyes. The way he gurgled at me and fell asleep so easily in my arms, hating myself for missing so much but loving every moment. Finding out another nephew was on the way, but having to leave once again.
The feeling of wholeness and acceptance with my wonderful group of friends. New people who seemed to want to know me. Never being alone.Never feeling lonely. Kaiti's smile. The quilt she gifted me with, that I never wanted to let go. Each square representing all the people I had to come back for. Being afraid that what my heart wanted my brain would refuse me, as logic and sense over-ride the compulsion to go back.
Then I was really alone, though I knew I still had people here who meant more to me then words could describe, there were still people I couldn't be without somewhere else. The warm embrace of my step-mom, as she assured me all would be well. The feeling of hope and future, with her as my guide. Bringing our families together and having that rock and certainty I never thought I could have. Gemma. A sister and a friendship I thought I would never have again. Our first family christmas. So much fun and excitment. The feeling of strength I had found by following my dream. What I wanted for once. All the people I need either a hands touch away or a phone call or an email away. The whole left where my mum should be standing. I knew that when i talked to her it would be filled, but when i couldn't it would remain hollow until the next time. Never really knowing how she really was because a computer camera or a phone call can tell so many lies. Mum! Her face flashed in my head over and over. Moments we had shared, even the horrible moments. I wanted her. Needed her, right now more than ever, and I don't understand why? Why now, when I've always needed her? Then the tide slowed and pulled back from the shore.
I felt the need to open my eyes and scream into the emtyness, but I couldn't. There were no lids to open because they were never closed.
The vast emtyness began to engulf me. My heart raced. I could feel it pounding in my ears, rushing the blood through my veins, down my legs, giving me the urge to run. Run for my life. I had to get away but why? I wasn't sure and I never thought to stop and find out. I tried to look down to see if my legs were moving fast enough but I couldn't see them. The darkness had taken them, making me invisible, even to my own eyes. All I knew was to run. Run away from the pain, the fears, the confusion. The emptyness.
"Stop running!", someone screamed at me. What? Who was that? As the realisation that I still had my voice hit me, so did that fact that I had screamed at myself.
It was an impulse. To run. I wanted to stop running, I had to face what was coming for me. Good or bad, I had to believe I had the strength to stop, because if i didn't, I would be running forever. Running forever through the vast endless space that surrounded me. I was tired and weak from all the running.
Where had I been running to? Was it to Australia? Back to England? Away from the people i loved the most? Or was it home?
Where was my home? How do I find it anyway, in this desert of nothingness? I couldn't find it! I didn't know where people needed me to be and I was alone. So, I stopped running. I just didn't know what to do. I fell to my knees onto the floor I could not see. It felt like, nothing, like it wasn't really there. Then, I cried. I cried until my lungs ached and my heart was torn in two. My head was throbbing and even though I knew I was crying, I couldn't feel the tears on my hand. It made sense in a way. Invisible tears for an invisible world.
Through the utter helplessness a premonition came to me, making me realise that all along I knew why I was running. I had known it all this time, and it was that which I ran from this moment. I blocked it out and pushed it away because I knew the pain it was going to force me to feel. I didn't want to feel it again. Coincidentally, I knew I had to, for I knew that by remembering, I could free myself from the darkness that held me. Trapped.
Only I had the power to free myself from this never-ending hole. All I had to do was remember.
Memories
My body was relaxed and my thoughts drifted on the calm tide of memories. Getting my very own bike for christmas; it was pink with different coloured blue tassells on the handlebars. A similar blue ribbon and bow was tied onto the front. The spring breeze whipping my long hair as I sped down the hill; I remember it being quite sunny for a late April day. The family picnic; the lustrious green grass soft under my hand as I sat with mum, watching Dad dive into the ground, jumping for the well aimed ball that my brother's were kicking around. The sense of contentment and happiness of a perfect family day; something that was rare for aslong as I could remember.The relief when my sister was given the all clear and her release from hospital, after the long days battling meninjitis. Sitting in the living room watching television, just sitting together holding eachother. The feeling of grief when we got the call, and grandad was gone, though some relief because he no longer had to suffer. A sadder memory I know, but one that was significant to the change that was to take place less than a month after.
Confusion. My mom leaving. Watching my dad waste away to nothing. The pain of having him cry in my arms.
Then, unbelievable curiosity and sense of adventure as I watched the cotton-candy clouds glide beneath me, and the blinding sun burning my eyes as I woke up from my few hours of rest. The face of someone I barely knew, but the fun and laughter and contentment he brought to my mother washed all feelings of anger and resentment away. Then to find I loved him too. Bruce brought us so much happiness. He brought to me a second family I could love just as much.
The clear blue water, my friends and I running around like busy bee's; the scorching sun, the soft grainy white sand, the feel of Elicias hand in mine. The easy relationship and laughter made it feel as though I had known this girl my whole life.
Going back home. My dad's wide grin, glowing. The impatience to meet the person I had been dieing to see. Whom I had missed so much without ever really knowing him. My newphew. his tiny hand and his amazing blue eyes. The way he gurgled at me and fell asleep so easily in my arms, hating myself for missing so much but loving every moment. Finding out another nephew was on the way, but having to leave once again.
The feeling of wholeness and acceptance with my wonderful group of friends. New people who seemed to want to know me. Never being alone.Never feeling lonely. Kaiti's smile. The quilt she gifted me with, that I never wanted to let go. Each square representing all the people I had to come back for. Being afraid that what my heart wanted my brain would refuse me, as logic and sense over-ride the compulsion to go back.
Then I was really alone, though I knew I still had people here who meant more to me then words could describe, there were still people I couldn't be without somewhere else. The warm embrace of my step-mom, as she assured me all would be well. The feeling of hope and future, with her as my guide. Bringing our families together and having that rock and certainty I never thought I could have. Gemma. A sister and a friendship I thought I would never have again. Our first family christmas. So much fun and excitment. The feeling of strength I had found by following my dream. What I wanted for once. All the people I need either a hands touch away or a phone call or an email away. The whole left where my mum should be standing. I knew that when i talked to her it would be filled, but when i couldn't it would remain hollow until the next time. Never really knowing how she really was because a computer camera or a phone call can tell so many lies. Mum! Her face flashed in my head over and over. Moments we had shared, even the horrible moments. I wanted her. Needed her, right now more than ever, and I don't understand why? Why now, when I've always needed her? Then the tide slowed and pulled back from the shore.
Running
I was alone in my head and darkness surrounded me. Why did it stop? Weren't there more memories? Where had the rest of my life gone? Is that all I could have? Was this where my adventure ended? It could not be. I would not accept this, there had to be more.I felt the need to open my eyes and scream into the emtyness, but I couldn't. There were no lids to open because they were never closed.
The vast emtyness began to engulf me. My heart raced. I could feel it pounding in my ears, rushing the blood through my veins, down my legs, giving me the urge to run. Run for my life. I had to get away but why? I wasn't sure and I never thought to stop and find out. I tried to look down to see if my legs were moving fast enough but I couldn't see them. The darkness had taken them, making me invisible, even to my own eyes. All I knew was to run. Run away from the pain, the fears, the confusion. The emptyness.
"Stop running!", someone screamed at me. What? Who was that? As the realisation that I still had my voice hit me, so did that fact that I had screamed at myself.
It was an impulse. To run. I wanted to stop running, I had to face what was coming for me. Good or bad, I had to believe I had the strength to stop, because if i didn't, I would be running forever. Running forever through the vast endless space that surrounded me. I was tired and weak from all the running.
Where had I been running to? Was it to Australia? Back to England? Away from the people i loved the most? Or was it home?
Where was my home? How do I find it anyway, in this desert of nothingness? I couldn't find it! I didn't know where people needed me to be and I was alone. So, I stopped running. I just didn't know what to do. I fell to my knees onto the floor I could not see. It felt like, nothing, like it wasn't really there. Then, I cried. I cried until my lungs ached and my heart was torn in two. My head was throbbing and even though I knew I was crying, I couldn't feel the tears on my hand. It made sense in a way. Invisible tears for an invisible world.
Through the utter helplessness a premonition came to me, making me realise that all along I knew why I was running. I had known it all this time, and it was that which I ran from this moment. I blocked it out and pushed it away because I knew the pain it was going to force me to feel. I didn't want to feel it again. Coincidentally, I knew I had to, for I knew that by remembering, I could free myself from the darkness that held me. Trapped.
Only I had the power to free myself from this never-ending hole. All I had to do was remember.
Remembering
I wanted to remember, I really did, but as soon as I stopped I realised what was coming for me and I panicked. I felt the need to run again. Forcing myself to stand still with all of my will-power, I waited as patiently as panick allowed, knowing that each breath I took it drew nearer. Closing in like a brick wall.My breathing came harshly, rasping up through my throat. I couldn't move now, it would still catch up to me. It's proximity stifled my breath, making me choke for air.
Then it wasn't the proximity that had me choking for air; I remembered.
Then it wasn't the proximity that had me choking for air; I remembered.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Take one step at a time
Over the past year, I have learnt how to evaluate myself and other people. I have been inspired, pulled down, critically analysed and complimented. One thing I have learnt most of all, is that when you try to do too much, as my step-mom puts it, you "burn the candle from both ends". Then you find that even through all the inspiration and compliments, you just pull yourself down and tell yourself you can't do it.
It has been really tough, this year, there is so much I feel like I've missed out on and it doesn't have to be that way, which is what make it frustrating. This year, my mom should have come see me perform and change and grow, but instead she is halfway around the world. I know it's not as bad as it could be. Thing's could be so much worse and that is what I have concentrated on. That hope and belief and drive, I have clung to. I have used to get this far, I have worked my ass off, but I have been burning my petrol fueled candle from both ends. Now, I'm exhausted, tired and emotional.
Despite having a mom who's not here, but who still plays a large part in my thoughts and actions, I am happy to say I have a family who has been trying to support and help me, even though i have tried to fight against all their advice. Friends who have been so understanding of my silences and months without contact. I have let everything get on top of me and control what I do. Whether I go out or not; who I get to see. It has made me ill and mentally and physically drained.
Now, my advice to myself and to those of you who understand what I'm going through, is to just take one small step at a time. Enjoy everything you do and don't let anything or anyone bring you down. Pray that someday, you will get to where you want to go because, in the end, it's only you who can get you there.
I know where I wanna go, but over doing it and then realising you have to stop and calm down anyway; it's not going to get you there any faster than if you just do your very best and just hope that it is enough. Just take each moment as it comes, without worrying what might come next!
Also, don't forget - to live, love and laugh along the way!
It has been really tough, this year, there is so much I feel like I've missed out on and it doesn't have to be that way, which is what make it frustrating. This year, my mom should have come see me perform and change and grow, but instead she is halfway around the world. I know it's not as bad as it could be. Thing's could be so much worse and that is what I have concentrated on. That hope and belief and drive, I have clung to. I have used to get this far, I have worked my ass off, but I have been burning my petrol fueled candle from both ends. Now, I'm exhausted, tired and emotional.
Despite having a mom who's not here, but who still plays a large part in my thoughts and actions, I am happy to say I have a family who has been trying to support and help me, even though i have tried to fight against all their advice. Friends who have been so understanding of my silences and months without contact. I have let everything get on top of me and control what I do. Whether I go out or not; who I get to see. It has made me ill and mentally and physically drained.
Now, my advice to myself and to those of you who understand what I'm going through, is to just take one small step at a time. Enjoy everything you do and don't let anything or anyone bring you down. Pray that someday, you will get to where you want to go because, in the end, it's only you who can get you there.
I know where I wanna go, but over doing it and then realising you have to stop and calm down anyway; it's not going to get you there any faster than if you just do your very best and just hope that it is enough. Just take each moment as it comes, without worrying what might come next!
Also, don't forget - to live, love and laugh along the way!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)