Memories
My body was relaxed and my thoughts drifted on the calm tide of memories. Getting my very own bike for christmas; it was pink with different coloured blue tassells on the handlebars. A similar blue ribbon and bow was tied onto the front. The spring breeze whipping my long hair as I sped down the hill; I remember it being quite sunny for a late April day. The family picnic; the lustrious green grass soft under my hand as I sat with mum, watching Dad dive into the ground, jumping for the well aimed ball that my brother's were kicking around. The sense of contentment and happiness of a perfect family day; something that was rare for aslong as I could remember.The relief when my sister was given the all clear and her release from hospital, after the long days battling meninjitis. Sitting in the living room watching television, just sitting together holding eachother. The feeling of grief when we got the call, and grandad was gone, though some relief because he no longer had to suffer. A sadder memory I know, but one that was significant to the change that was to take place less than a month after.
Confusion. My mom leaving. Watching my dad waste away to nothing. The pain of having him cry in my arms.
Then, unbelievable curiosity and sense of adventure as I watched the cotton-candy clouds glide beneath me, and the blinding sun burning my eyes as I woke up from my few hours of rest. The face of someone I barely knew, but the fun and laughter and contentment he brought to my mother washed all feelings of anger and resentment away. Then to find I loved him too. Bruce brought us so much happiness. He brought to me a second family I could love just as much.
The clear blue water, my friends and I running around like busy bee's; the scorching sun, the soft grainy white sand, the feel of Elicias hand in mine. The easy relationship and laughter made it feel as though I had known this girl my whole life.
Going back home. My dad's wide grin, glowing. The impatience to meet the person I had been dieing to see. Whom I had missed so much without ever really knowing him. My newphew. his tiny hand and his amazing blue eyes. The way he gurgled at me and fell asleep so easily in my arms, hating myself for missing so much but loving every moment. Finding out another nephew was on the way, but having to leave once again.
The feeling of wholeness and acceptance with my wonderful group of friends. New people who seemed to want to know me. Never being alone.Never feeling lonely. Kaiti's smile. The quilt she gifted me with, that I never wanted to let go. Each square representing all the people I had to come back for. Being afraid that what my heart wanted my brain would refuse me, as logic and sense over-ride the compulsion to go back.
Then I was really alone, though I knew I still had people here who meant more to me then words could describe, there were still people I couldn't be without somewhere else. The warm embrace of my step-mom, as she assured me all would be well. The feeling of hope and future, with her as my guide. Bringing our families together and having that rock and certainty I never thought I could have. Gemma. A sister and a friendship I thought I would never have again. Our first family christmas. So much fun and excitment. The feeling of strength I had found by following my dream. What I wanted for once. All the people I need either a hands touch away or a phone call or an email away. The whole left where my mum should be standing. I knew that when i talked to her it would be filled, but when i couldn't it would remain hollow until the next time. Never really knowing how she really was because a computer camera or a phone call can tell so many lies. Mum! Her face flashed in my head over and over. Moments we had shared, even the horrible moments. I wanted her. Needed her, right now more than ever, and I don't understand why? Why now, when I've always needed her? Then the tide slowed and pulled back from the shore.
Running
I was alone in my head and darkness surrounded me. Why did it stop? Weren't there more memories? Where had the rest of my life gone? Is that all I could have? Was this where my adventure ended? It could not be. I would not accept this, there had to be more.I felt the need to open my eyes and scream into the emtyness, but I couldn't. There were no lids to open because they were never closed.
The vast emtyness began to engulf me. My heart raced. I could feel it pounding in my ears, rushing the blood through my veins, down my legs, giving me the urge to run. Run for my life. I had to get away but why? I wasn't sure and I never thought to stop and find out. I tried to look down to see if my legs were moving fast enough but I couldn't see them. The darkness had taken them, making me invisible, even to my own eyes. All I knew was to run. Run away from the pain, the fears, the confusion. The emptyness.
"Stop running!", someone screamed at me. What? Who was that? As the realisation that I still had my voice hit me, so did that fact that I had screamed at myself.
It was an impulse. To run. I wanted to stop running, I had to face what was coming for me. Good or bad, I had to believe I had the strength to stop, because if i didn't, I would be running forever. Running forever through the vast endless space that surrounded me. I was tired and weak from all the running.
Where had I been running to? Was it to Australia? Back to England? Away from the people i loved the most? Or was it home?
Where was my home? How do I find it anyway, in this desert of nothingness? I couldn't find it! I didn't know where people needed me to be and I was alone. So, I stopped running. I just didn't know what to do. I fell to my knees onto the floor I could not see. It felt like, nothing, like it wasn't really there. Then, I cried. I cried until my lungs ached and my heart was torn in two. My head was throbbing and even though I knew I was crying, I couldn't feel the tears on my hand. It made sense in a way. Invisible tears for an invisible world.
Through the utter helplessness a premonition came to me, making me realise that all along I knew why I was running. I had known it all this time, and it was that which I ran from this moment. I blocked it out and pushed it away because I knew the pain it was going to force me to feel. I didn't want to feel it again. Coincidentally, I knew I had to, for I knew that by remembering, I could free myself from the darkness that held me. Trapped.
Only I had the power to free myself from this never-ending hole. All I had to do was remember.
Remembering
I wanted to remember, I really did, but as soon as I stopped I realised what was coming for me and I panicked. I felt the need to run again. Forcing myself to stand still with all of my will-power, I waited as patiently as panick allowed, knowing that each breath I took it drew nearer. Closing in like a brick wall.My breathing came harshly, rasping up through my throat. I couldn't move now, it would still catch up to me. It's proximity stifled my breath, making me choke for air.
Then it wasn't the proximity that had me choking for air; I remembered.
Then it wasn't the proximity that had me choking for air; I remembered.
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